Our Loss

Last Monday I went to the Dr. for my 12 week check up. I saw the nurse that day. Before I even got on the exam table she told me that they were going to try to hear the heartbeat of the baby with the doppler, but since it was still early in the pregnancy she wasn't sure we would be able to hear it. She tried and couldn't find it so she sent me into ultra sound saying it was just for kicks and so we could have the reassurance everything was okay. When I got into ultra sound I knew something was not right because the ultra sound tech said the machine was acting up and she needed to move me to another room with a better machine. The second room had a huge flat screen right above me where I could see the ultra sound pictures. As soon as I saw the baby my heart sank because I saw no little heartbeat flicker. She could not find a heartbeat and the baby was only measuring 10 weeks 3 days.
It came as a complete shock to me because I had no cramping or bleeding and I expected everything to be okay. I think I really had a false sense of security with the pregnancy because I had Abby. I did a lot more worrying about miscarriage when I was pregnant with her. I am not sure why, but I really never was worried this time. I guess I should have been.
The doctor scheduled me for a D&C the next day. During this procedure they remove the fetus and placenta. I had the D&C at 7pm on Tuesday the 22nd. I was put completely under for it, but was only out for a short time. I woke up in recovery at 7:30pm and was released at 7:45pm. I had no pain or cramping until Saturday. I am still having some cramping but haven't needed anything other than Motrin.
It has been an extremely sad time for us, but I have been so blessed with great friends who have been so supportive. I have never seen the power of prayer as strong as it has been through all this. I have felt a real sense of peace about the situation. It is very obvious that I have been comforted and had someone looking out for me. I know that this baby was not meant to be ours and that there is something else for us in the future. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that God had a good reason to take this baby. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that Abby has an angel in heaven watching over their big sister for the rest of her life.
Some days are better than others, but mostly I just feel so blessed for all the good things I have been given. I feel so lucky to have Abby and know now more than ever that she is an incredible gift.
My biggest fears now are just about our ability to conceive again and the possibility of having another miscarriage. I know that it will be a complete wreck for my entire pregnancy if we are lucky enough to conceive again. I am going to make poor Marc attend every little Dr. appt. just in case we get bad news again. I hope that we will have a wonderful healthy pregnancy in 2010. Right now I am still trying to adjust to not being pregnant anymore. It is just weird to have everything change unexpectedly in a split second.
We am so incredibly lucky to have such great friends who have been so amazing and supportive in helping us through this difficult time. We have so much to be thankful for and know that this is all part of the plan.
"Life ain't always beautiful, but it's a beautiful ride"