Another Sad Loss

Last month we went through another very sad loss. We lost another baby in a miscarriage. The time leading up to the miscarriage was without a doubt the most stressful 10 weeks I have had. I was so worried from the moment I got the positive on the home pregnancy test. I really tried to think positive, but there was always that nagging feeling that something was going to go wrong again. My first ultra sound was when I should have been 6 weeks and 6 days along. My heart sank right away as I watched the screen and saw nothing but a gestational sac and yolk sac. No heart beat, which you can usually find around 6 weeks. The Dr. basically told me to prepare for another miscarriage and that it didn't look good. He was expecting my hcg hormone levels to start dropping, so I went in every 2 days after that ultra sound to give blood. Then I nervously waited the incredibly long 24 hours each time to get the results. My numbers continued to go up each time and I suddenly had a little hope that maybe the baby was just a slow starter and maybe we were going to be okay. 12 days after the first ultra sound, with my hcg levels still rising, I went in for ultra sound number 2. By this point I had really started to feel sick from the pregnancy. I was incredibly nauseous and tired, so I was hopeful that this was a good sign. I had to remind myself to breath as I lay on the table waiting for the ultra sound. She started the ultra sound and there it was, the most beautiful thing - a baby with a heart beating 140 beats per minute. I cried out of joy. I was only measuring 7 weeks and should have been 8 1/2, but the Dr. said that was okay and nothing to worry about. I was so happy to have beat the odds. I left that appointment feeling so happy, but still had that nagging feeling that things were not right. I went in a week later for another ultra sound. This time was not a happy one. The baby had grown and was measuring 8 weeks, but no heartbeat. A week later, when my body still had not miscarried on its own, I had a D&C. It was hard to go through another D&C, but I felt relieved to get relief from the sickness. It was hard to be so sick for 5 weeks with nothing to show.
It has been a difficult time for us. I think the loss was harder this time in some ways, yet easier in others. It was easier in the respect that I wasn't necessarily blindsided this time. With the first miscarriage I wasn't expecting it at all and was caught so off guard. This time I was almost expecting it just because of the feeling I had that something just wasn't right. However, this miscarriage was much more difficult to deal with because now we are facing the real possibility that we may not have any more children. After one miscarriage, the Drs will tell you that there was probably just something chromosomally wrong with the baby, and your body knows. In my eyes, they can't say that anymore after two in a row. It is now much more likely that there is something wrong that is preventing me from carrying a baby to term. It could be anything from hormone deficiency to a clotting disorder. With each miscarriage, your risk of having another goes up. The horrible part is that the insurance companies will not pay for any sort of testing to try to find the problem until you have had 3 consecutive miscarriages. It is very hard to think about going through all of this a third time.
Despite all of it, I really do still believe that all of this is part of God's plan for us. I may never know why, but I have to trust my belief that everything happens for a reason. It is very sad for me to think about not having any more children, but I am so thankful for the miracle I do have in Abby. She could have been a total miracle and I didn't even know it. I am so blessed to have her will always be so grateful. She really is my heart. I would love to give her a sibling, but if that doesn't happen I have to focus on how VERY lucky I am to have her and my two angels in heaven.