The last 20 weeks have been the longest and most uncertain of my life. So, where do I start? I suppose from the beginning...
After losing two precious babies, we were at a loss. Not sure what to do next or if there even was a next, I felt like I really might not ever get my miracle. Not only were the miscarriages extremely hard emotionally, pregnancy in itself is not easy for me. I feel sick 24/7 during the first trimester and to go through that again for it only to end in heartbreak was starting to become unimaginable.
I felt like I had to give it one more try though. Knowing this really would be our last attempt, I reached out to friends for support. Then I met the first step in getting my miracle; a new friend who had a daughter close to Abby's age and then went through two miscarriages before getting her little miracle in her son. She suggested I go and talk to a specialist she had seen for help, a reproductive endocrinologist who is willing to think outside the box and actually do something to try to keep pregnancies going instead of standing by while your baby dies inside you and then think it is a comfort to hear "it could just be a fluke or we may never know why this is happening."
Enter step #2 in getting my miracle, Dr. Couvaras. This Dr. believes that even women without a specific clotting disorder, may be helped by low dose heparin. Essentially, in easy to understand terms, he believes that some people's blood may be too "thick" to get enough to the growing fetus. To me this made perfect sense after my second miscarriage, where for the entire 9 weeks the baby seemed to be struggling and was a week behind where it should have been. He was very involved in every step of this pregnancy from ovulation through the end of the first trimester.
I took a trigger shot before we conceived to make sure the egg was mature and released properly. Everything went along according to plan. As with all our pregnancies, we were extremely blessed and conceived on the first try again. I immediately began giving myself injections of heparin in my stomach twice a day and giving blood weekly so that my heparin could be adjusted properly. I saw the Dr. every two weeks and then was released to a regular OB.
I had made it though the first trimester! In my first appointment with my OB, she said that my chances of miscarriage had now dropped to less than 2%. This should have given me some relief, yet somehow I felt none. I still wore waterproof makeup to all my appointments and just couldn't seem to find that peace that I was looking for. I reluctantly started telling family and friends the news, only because I couldn't hide my belly anymore. Every wait between appointments seemed to be an eternity as I feared the silence I might hear instead of a heartbeat. Both my miscarriages were what they call "missed miscarriage", meaning that there were no signs that the baby was in distress such as bleeding and cramping. My body never let go of either and both had to be removed via D&C.
At 12 weeks I had some bleeding and of course panicked. There wasn't much to it and it didn't last long, but of course I feared the worst. I tried not to worry, but it certainly didn't help all the anxiety I was already dealing with. After a call to the Dr., I was told to just rest for a couple days and call back if the bleeding got heavier. Not much to put my mind at ease...
At 13 weeks I went in for an ultra sound with a specialist that tested for chromosomal abnormalities such as Down Syndrome. I didn't really go in for this ultra sound with any thoughts other than a strong desire to just see my baby again (last ultra sound had been four weeks prior) and I wasn't scheduled for another appointment with the OB for 3 more weeks. I couldn't imagine waiting that long for reassurance so I saw this test as an opportunity to see that everything was okay.
A week later, my OB called with devastating news. "There is a strong possibility that your baby has Down Syndrome." I had markers in both the ultra sound and a blood test that was done. Needless to say we were in shock and devastated. How could this be happening after everything we had been through? The worst part...we wouldn't be able to find out for sure until an amniocentesis could be done 2 weeks later. So for two weeks I cried. We didn't share the news with anyone as we didn't know for sure yet and didn't want to force anyone on to our roller coaster ride. At 15 weeks I had the amnio done, which was a test in itself being that I had to sign a waiver stating I understood there was a slightly increased risk of miscarriage. Just what I didn't need.
During the amnio I very clearly saw on the screen that our little peanut was a boy. Then I waited 5 days for that phone call that had potential to drastically change our lives forever. But wait, it was GOOD news! I have never wished I could hug someone though the phone so much in my life. All chromosomes were right and our little boy did not have Down Syndrome!
At this point, the only thing I could really think was that for what remains to be an unknown reason, God REALLY wants to make sure that I appreciate this little miracle and know how lucky I am. Apparently two miscarriages weren't enough and I needed more of a reminder of just how much of a blessing a healthy baby is.
We then made a decision that we would name our baby whatever name meant "gift from God" so that we would always remember how blessed we are for being given this sweet gift of life. Matthew will be his first name and Leo will be his middle name, after his daddy, Marcos Leo Jr. and his Grandpa, Marcos Leo Sr. We won't be carrying on the Marcos name, but at least he will have the same initials.
I had a routine ultra sound at 19 weeks, and Matthew looks great! He is even measuring a little ahead, just like Abby did and everything looks as it should. He looks a lot like Abby already and had a lot of the same facial features. I can't wait to hold him in my arms.
I finally feel a little relief between appointments because I get that reassurance every time I feel him move. I still feel very nervous though. I thought for sure it would be better by now, but now it is hard to imagine how I would get through if something were happen at this point. It doesn't help that I know several people who have lost babies after 2o weeks, at which point you have to go through labor and the heartbreak of delivering a lifeless body. I try not to think about it, but it is a constant struggle and I think it will continue to be until I hold hear that cry and hold him in my arms.
My most current source of anxiety is the heparin. Dr. Couvaras' plan only calls for the the heparin injections until 20 weeks, which is today. I will continue them until my appointment with my OB next week and I assume she will have me stop. Not that I enjoy injecting a needle full of heparin into my stomach twice a day or what an ugly bruised battle ground it creates, but I am terrified to let go of what I believe has kept Matthew thriving up until this point. I think I will have to though and trust in the Lord's plan for our family.
Even with all the conflicting thoughts, I really am trying to enjoy every minute of this pregnancy, as it is the last time I will ever experience this miracle. Every kick is a reminder of how amazing it is that I have created and am carrying a human being in my womb. Maybe it is from the hormones, but at least once every day, I get tears in my eyes as I look at Abby and think what an amazing blessing she is.
I can't wait to meet this sweet baby boy inside me.
Living in Arizona, I feel like everyone must know who Pat Tillman is. But for those of you non-Zonies, I will fill you in just in case. Pat Tillman is a hero who died serving his country. Only it isn't even that simple. He started a promising football career as number 42 for the ASU Sundevils. After 9/11, this star NFL defensive back walked away from his $3.6 million contract with the Arizona Cardinals to enlist as a U.S. Army Ranger. He was sadly killed by friendly fire while serving in Afghaninstan. Not only did I want Abby to do this race for the fun and experience, but also because I couldn't think of a better person to honor, as the proud sister of a U.S. Marine who has been serving his country for more than 2 decades.
Gearing up for the run and cooling off a little with a pre-race smoothie (95 degrees this day)
Once the race started she did so great! I thought it was such a neat experience. It is very important to me that she grows up with the attitude that being active is fun, so I love to do activities like this with her. She had a great time running with her best bud, Jaxson.
Crossing the finish line with her Daddy on the 42 yard line of Sun Devil Stadium!!
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